Just a note...
Thursday, March 24, 2005
07:41 a.m.
Current Music: [Come Clean] Hilary Duff
There are very few things in the world more awesome than watching the one you love sleep.

I'm mainly updating my Xanga now. I'm "teagoddess". Also I have a new email address, teagoddess@gmail.com. Later.

Sorry I haven't written...
Sunday, March 13, 2005
08:51 p.m.
Current Music: [October] Evanescence
So I have a Xanga now, and I've been doing entries in it because people can comment on it. But I like my pitas. So I will not abandon it altogether. But if I haven't written in a few days, you should probably check my Xanga.

I'm really happy right now, because I have my Daniel and I have a new phone and I have the dorm room all to myself at the moment. Also I just talked to my Mom and she said that it's okay with her if I get a one-bedroom apartment instead of trying to find a roommate. I really think that's what I want. *sigh* But I still don't want to get Aunt Alicia mad at me. Oh well. Toodles!

Sad musings
Thursday, February 24, 2005
03:46 p.m.
Current Music: [Piano Man] Billy Joel
So I realized today that I don't really seem to have a purpose in life. I mean, I have goals that I am working towards, but if you told me today that I'd never be a teacher I'd probably just shrug and say, "Okay." It's just that other than Daniel-related stuff, I seem to be drifting without direction. And even the Daniel stuff doesn't lead anywhere but marriage, which, although honorable, isn't really a purpose in life. I hate my job, I hate the dorm, I hate most of my classes, and I don't even really like myself that much, come to think of it. I mean, I have so many faults, some of which I'm embarassed to admit even to the void... and I am overweight and ugly and apparently very forgettable. And I'm so tired of working with April because although I really like her, she's cuter and skinnier and more likeable than I am. So she ends up getting asked to do all of the intelligent jobs here, and I get saddled with running errands and lugging heavy packages back and forth to and from Kings Street Annex. As if my horrible boobs didn't hurt my back enough already. And I can't even get good grades on my papers in English. I just feel so worthless, like if I fell off the edge of the Earth it wouldn't matter in any measurable way. Yeah, of course, a lot of people would miss me, but what do I really DO for the world? What would they write in my obituary if I died? Nothing. Nothing of value, anyway. Daughter, sister, fiancee, student. No worthwhile acheivements that mean anything to anyone other than family. I'm just here, taking up oxygen and valuable resources. Don't get me wrong, this isn't the beginnings of a suicide contemplation. I just feel so useless and talentless and stupid and ugly and I wish that just once I could feel like I am doing something in the world that a million other people couldn't do just as well or better. I don't want to be rich or famous. I just want to feel like the food I consume couldn't have been put to better use as dog food or something. I want to feel like someone cares about me for reasons other than that I am family. I want something, a purpose. An apartment of my own without my family jumping to the "slut living with her boyfriend" conclusion. I want to be pretty. And I want to lose weight without having to choke down lettuce. Because right now, I am supremely unhappy.

DAPHNE KILL. DAPHNE SMASH.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
12:57 a.m.
Current Music: nothing at the moment
Okay, so this virus has progressed from a mere nuisance to the bane of my existance, as it has started randomly shutting down my Internet pages without regard for what I am doing and how long I have been doing it and how much progress will be lost if I am forced to stop. And I paid for this stupid program to get rid of it and it didn't, so I am in the process of griping back and forth to their customer service because they promised they'd get rid of it and they didn't. To their credit, they are attempting to be very helpful and thorough. "Thorough" in the sense of "Did you turn your computer ON before running the program?" Luckily, we have progressed to the point of "Did you try updating the protections and scanning again?" which, although still a very stupid question if you've ever seen this program, is at least something I could have conceivably done wrong.

Anyway, so I cleaned my room today. Well, it's not entirely clean, but all the trash is gone except a few shreds of paper that I will have to vacuum up. And there's a small pile of stuff I can't find anywhere to put, but I'm working on it. So Erika might spare my life now. However, I am waiting on her to get off the phone so I can ask what her schedule is tomorrow because Daniel wants to come take a nap while I'm at work but he won't do it if she's here. And she's been either on the phone or talking to this guy (his name is something like Mike or Mark or Mick) for HOURS. I am assuming that she will have to stop talking when she goes to sleep, but don't quote me on that because I could be wrong. *sigh*

BUT! My speech in COM 115 went pretty well. The teacher asked me to perform it again in front of the department head because they're filming the speeches of two or three people per class per speech for future reference. So I guess that's a good sign. And the astronomy test was... easy. Which frightens me. I would rather a test be moderately hard, because then I don't worry myself to death with questions like, "Was it supposed to be that easy, or did I only THINK I understood?" Oh well. I'm pretty sure it was easy. And no class tomorrow, so that's good. Well, I'm going to bed. To all my AIM buddies that I can no longer speak to, I am working on it. Just let me make sure my computer is on.

Just a note...
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
04:03 p.m.
Current Music: [Vindicated] Dashboard Confessional
To everyone who cares: My computer has recently been attacked by a rather nasty virus. The symptoms of this virus include: crashing AIM whenever someone sends me a message, adding a bunch of porn sites to my favorites list so that if my roomie tries to use my computer she'll think I'm a pervert, pop-ups galore (including, several times, a brassiere advertisement showing a rather well-endowed woman holding her breasts which are contained in what might be the tiniest bra I've ever seen), screwing up my start-up page to something that looks kind of like Google but isn't, in which it types in various things in the "search for" bar like "Xanax" and "retirement funds" and, occasionally, "porn". None of these things are all that horrible... after all, it's not wiping my computer's memory or anything, but the AIM part is rather annoying and may cause me to be out of touch for a few days via that medium until I get it all sorted out. This has been a public service announcment from Daphne.
ALSO APPARENTLY IT HAS STARTED PUTTING LINKS IN WHAT I TYPE. I WILL NEVER PUT LINKS IN MY ENTRIES UNLESS I SPECIFICALLY MENTION THEM AS LINKS. DO NOT CLICK ON THESE THINGS, BECAUSE YOU MIGHT GIVE YOUR COMPUTER THIS VIRUS. THANK YOU.

Lyrics
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
10:40 p.m.
Current Music: [Who Wants to Live Forever] Queen
"Who Wants To Live Forever"

There’s no time for us
There’s no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away
From us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever....?

There’s no chance for us
It’s all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

Wasting time...
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
08:22 a.m.
Current Music: [Vindicated] Dashboard Confessional
So today is the last day without the new secretary, Joni. I don't want a new secretary! I don't want to go into that. I got really mad at April yesterday for hogging the computer and she pointed out that I do it all the time, but I always offer to let her have the computer and she turns it down, so I don't think I'm hogging it if I offer it to her. I hate work. I hate my job. And I REALLY don't want a new secretary. I will lose all the power that has made the job bearable this last month.

Anyway, Daniel and I went out for Valentine's Day last night. We went to Colton's Steakhouse, which was okay. They had really good tea. The steak was so-so. Good flavor, I guess, but I spent extra to get ribeye and it turns out I like the cheap ol' sirloin better. Whatever though. And Daniel bought me like a hundred Yu-Gi-Oh cards which made me happy. And he bought me the DVD of "The Notebook", which he didn't give me with my other stuff on V-Day itself because they were all sold out of it until last night!

You know, I'm not really all that happy right now. Life is kind of sucking. I know that my problems are not all that big and that there are gazillions of people worse off than me, but I can still be upset. And I can still complain, because the pitas entry box is a captive audience. I cannot begin to describe how upset I am over the apartment situation!! And I thought I could get an apartment of my own next year since I despise the dorm, but I got screwed over on that as well. Because I can't afford it unless I get my new job. I won't know if I get the new job until July. And in a couple of weeks, I have to sign a housing contract to live in the dorm next year. If I don't sign it and I don't get the new job, then I will have to live with my aunt. If I do sign it and I do get the job, I'll have to pay some kind of horrible breach of contract fee if I want to live off-campus. If I do sign it and I don't get the job, well, I'm okay, but I really REALLY HATE THE DORM. But I know my family doesn't want me to live off-campus. And they have too much financial power over me for me to go against them. Daniel actually suggested getting married this summer so we can openly live together without making them angry, but my family would really hate that since they want me to wait until after I graduate, not to mention that it would be really horrible financially because they'd make me start paying car insurance AND I would lose my health insurance through them AND I would have to pay my own cell phone bill AND I'm sure they'd make me start paying my own college bills too. So I'm pretty much screwed to have to live in this hell for another year at least. At least it won't be with Erika, though. I like her well enough, but she won't speak to me. She only answers direct questions, and even then it's with as few words as she can possibly manage. And it's freaking depressing to live with someone that obviously hates you. *sigh* I gotta go to class.

*Confetti of Happiness*
Monday, February 14, 2005
10:26 p.m.
Current Music: [Name] Goo Goo Dolls
So I feel pretty silly right now. Of course I should have known that Daniel wouldn't let the day pass without doing something absolutely sweet. So he snuck into the office (I assume someone let him in but no one admits it) and left a dozen roses and a box of chocolates on my desk, and he had this giganto framed theatrical poster of "The Notebook" all propped up where everyone that walked by could see it. *wipes tear* I love "The Notebook". I am not ashamed to be a sappy chick. I usually don't just LOVE sappy chick movies, but this one really got to me and I think it is sooooo sweet. But anyway. I got Daniel a 5-lb. bar of chocolate (Mama got him one for Christmas and he wanted another) and one of those little wire scalp massager thingys. He's weird, I know, but at least he's relatively easy to buy for. I also got a new battery installed in his favorite watch, because he would have never done it for himself. I also bought a small metal elephant for my aunt. It's really purty. So anyway, it turned out to be a pretty swell day after all. Just wanted to let you know that.

*sigh* How depressing.
Monday, February 14, 2005
08:18 a.m.
Current Music: [Who Wants to Live Forever] Queen
It is the most beautiful day outside. It's nice and spring-timey warm and the sun is shining and the breeze is nice and cool. The birds are chirping. Even the city traffic sounds are kind of muffled today. And today is Monday. And I have class. And I have to frickin' WORK. So I don't get to go play in the grass or anything. And the weekend was miserable and rainy. Why must Mother Nature tease me so? And since it's Valentine's Day, it would be a perfect day to go have a romantic little picnic in the park (although I imagine it will be crowded) but Daniel is working. So I don't get to do ANYTHING on Valentine's Day. I don't even get to see him if I don't stop by where he works. And in its own way, that's even more depressing than not having someone. At least when you are alone on Valentine's Day and people ask what you got, you can say you didn't get anything because you're single, or that you treated yourself to a box of chocolate or something. I have to tell people (and believe me, it's only a little after 8 a.m. and already several people have asked) that I haven't gotten anything and I don't have any plans for tonight, and they all feel sorry for me because they know I have someone. And I feel sorry for me, too, because I guess I just don't understand why Daniel couldn't have switched with Mike and been off today. I know it's more complicated than that, and I know that he probably wouldn't have been able to. But I still wish he had. And he doesn't have any money so I probably won't get roses or anything (he told me last night not to get too excited) and the one thing he got for me he ordered and it hasn't come in yet. So all in all, I'm quite depressed.

And it doesn't help that I'm trying to start eating right and the damn Tri-Beta Club is downstairs selling freaking cupcakes. CUPCAKES. I adore cupcakes. I want a cupcake so bad. But I really am trying to be good. But I also want a cupcake. They're so pretty, chocolate with pink icing and little heart sprinkles... They smell delicious. I want a cupcake! *cries*

Random randomness
Wednesday, February 9, 2005
10:18 p.m.
Current Music: [The Hardest Thing] 98 Degrees
Yeah, thanks a lot, Nataku. Way to go for making me listen to teenybopper boy bands from way back in the NINETIES. Which really doesn't seem that long ago. I guess I really am getting old. Anyway, she got the stupid song stuck in my head by simply mentioning it, and when a song gets stuck in my head the only way to make it leave is to listen to the song two or three times.

Anyway. Another astronomy lab tonight... I can't decide if I love the way the professor teaches the lab or if I really really hate it. He just passes out the instructions and answer sheets and says, "Okay, go!" and then circles the room in case we have questions. Except that's pretty much a waste of his energy since he refuses to answer questions unless it's an actual problem like we clicked on the planet like it said and our computer exploded into a million pieces and then the pieces melted and then the molten plastic exploded and now we have hot plastic boils all over our skin that won't come off and they're congealing there and we will be disfigured for life AND won't be able to finish our lab so will he please call 911 or at least the janitor. Anyway, the point is that I like the feeling I have when I leave the lab that everything I learned that night I learned on my own, using my own mind and not just being told the answer and having to memorize it. But it's frickin' annoying to ask a question like, "Did I work this problem out correctly?" and have him look at it for thirty seconds and then say, "Looks good to me" even though you just KNOW that he would say that even if you'd handed him a paper that says that the length of a year on Mercury is two chickens, a banana, and a package of Tropical Skittles. End of rant.

New layouts - what I really do at work
Thursday, February 3, 2005
02:12 p.m.
Current Music: [Dante's Prayer] Loreena McKennitt
So don't tell Dr. Jensen, but I changed up my pitas while I was supposed to be doing Vehicle Use Records. Vehicle Use Records SUCK big-time. Really. I hate them. That's why they haven't been done in like six months - which, by the way, is not my fault because up until a month ago Janice was supposed to have been doing them. But anyway. April is actually working but I am writing in here, useless pointless stuff. Ha ha ha.

I am really upset about Daniel leaving his apartment, and apparently no one cares that it's bothering me. That's why I am not speaking to several people at the moment. I spend a lot of time and energy listening to their problems and giving whatever advice I can give. It's only fair that they listen to me in return every once in a while (it really doesn't happen that often) and like four different people didn't care at all. One of them didn't listen at all. One of them listened, said the equivalent of "that's too bad", and moved right back to talking about herself again. I am tired of being a good friend to people who won't be a good friend back to me. It's not like I'm asking for anything unreasonable. All I want in return for my friendship and advice is the knowledge that once every two months or so when I need advice, someone listens to me and tries to help. That's not a crazy thing to ask for. But since I don't have very many friends anymore, I guess I'll have to start speaking to them again so I don't become a hermit. And let them continue to walk all over me and not listen to me. It just hurts, you know? Even though I know that they aren't doing it to be mean. Most of them probably don't even realize they're doing it.

Speaking of problems that my friends have, I am absolutely amazed at some of them. It's just so... so - well, there's no other way to say it - high school. Don't get me wrong, I know that they are important problems and highly upsetting to the person having them, and I am not belittling that. It's just so funny to hear all the problems I used to have myself coming from someone else, and realizing how stupid it can sound. And I guess I have already forgotten what it was like to have to ask permission to go somewhere. And having to OK every single thing with my parents. And not being able to see rated-R movies. And to be honestly worried about my ACT score. Here's a hint: do your best on your ACTs or SATs. But don't stress that much about them. Once you're admitted to college, let me assure you that no one cares what your score was at all.

What was I talking about again?